—

Dear my long term friend, 

Look like one more time, because of my stupidity, I hurt you, again. There is no word to explain, to say or any excuse. 

But maybe you stay, maybe you leave, maybe you return. 

And maybe we burn, we crash.

“How are you?” 

“I will be fine, eventually” 

Another morning, I played game with Panda and his housemate till very late. Sitting in the library now, I know the girl opposite me, at least, curious about me, for some unknown reason. Sitting by the big window, looking down the street, it’s a little cold, and gloomy today. But the view is very nice indeed. 

I will finish the essay by this afternoon, give myself a short break, and meet no one. 

I just need someone to comfort me, but then I am better than I thought, a lot and I should be proud of it, right? I just feel so lazy to go home, clean the house and cook, even though I really should. 

Aiii.

Okay, let’s be back to work quickly. My eyes are too tired already I guess.

Posted 1 day ago

Paid a visit to Queer lounge just now, doesn’t help much. The idea of finding yourself in so many way, only you can help yourself out of this mess. 

However, all the people I have talked to, told me that “The most important thing now is to focus on studying, that’s all, other stuffs that matter, save it later”. There are only a few more months till graduation. Get a job and things will be placed in order. 

It’s true though. And somehow, in a small corner of my soul, things are calm down, already. 

Don’t think how much it will hurt, I feel  it’s a time for getting a tattoo. “Free your mind”, that’s all I need to do. I need to stop be hard on myself, let the tension go, love myself more than I used to think, and of course, see thing in a wider vision. 

I am kind of alright though, or..Im just again fooling myself. 

No, I am not, this time I will stay true, as I dont want to escape anymore. Of course it’s hard for being realistic while Im totally not, but it is never late to learn.  

“Big girl, dont cry” 

While on the train, I think about him and her, yes they have similar character, of the people who born in 20 and 21 December, and they said the same thing to me, and I feel the same way with them, that you really, somehow, cant connect but still try to fit in each other world. 

But, the more we think about it, the more things need to talk about, so..

Well, so here is the thing I need to do now and sit back, think about what I am going to back up myself. 

. Finish the essay 2000 words by Wednesday 

. Finish 1500 report by Thursday night 

. Take a rest, think whether going back to work or quit

. Relax by working part time at least til end of June, earn money, then go travel :) 

. Read more book about Advertising, well, kind of relax then :D

. Try to find brief for doing during 7 weeks holiday 

. Rest more

. Need to buy: drawing pad, maybe Ipad and a New camera…oh…then need to work hahaha

Posted 2 days ago

I was standing in middle of the room, terrify. 

It might/might not the first time I feel so scared in my world, with no door open ahead, with no picture, I cannot see anything. And it’s terrify me. 

I woke up at 1.30 in the morning, thought it’s afternoon, wonder why everything seemed so dark and quiet. 

Again, I woke up at 8am, realise, oh it’s 1.30am instead. 

Cuddle up myself in the blanket, winter is here, very cold, and such a sad winter. 

I suddenly thought oh, I dont really feel hurt anymore, that’s quick? But no, of course things are not that easy. 

I love the feeling, when you wake up, and feel no tension, you are truly forgive things. But that feeling, isn’t here yet, at least now. 

I dont feel my heart aching, but something more than that, something like you literary blind and cannot see anything. I cannot imagine how it will be, any door open and how I am able to find the light. I really cant. 

There is no one here, no one there, there is only me in my room, in my world. I cant talk to my parents, even I really want to. Shall I just give them a call now? I dont know, I really dont know. 

I might just come and work part time now, finish the last semester, graduate, and then what? 

I know, I understand that young people like me, we feel miserable, about everything, I might not the only one, but why it needs to be that hard? Why too much tension on my shoulders, why things need to be there together, matter at the same time? 

I just want to forgive everything and be happy. And I guess Im learning, forgive everything, let things go, and stop thinking about it. “When will you stop thinking about it?” 

I question myself, too. 

I thought I am selfish, but guess I am not really. I say stuffs that matter but inside, Im pushing them away, and have no choice but let them be happy. 

Everybody is finding their own destiny, tell me one more time why I stay here? 

There is one thing about myself, that I can only share with a few people, and sadly, I cant talk to my parents, those I think I need to hear the most. 

It is nearly a year that I am completely alone by myself, I dont talk about romantic way, I mean, in any meaning. 2 most important friends I thought, left, without a word. I let them go but do nothing to make them stay. 

No, I do, but then…I choose to let things go. 

I used to think, you let things not your go, without regret, or you are running away from stuffs, ignore the other’s feelings. But guess I was totally wrong. I cannot cut things off my life, like I used to think. 

Yes, I am still afraid, but I really dont want seeing her leaving. Normally, I, stupid person when it comes to any form of relationship, okay, you go, I dont need you, but inside, totally break down but still showing the toughness. Im tired of pretending all the time, cant I just say it out? Give me one more night, one more chance, to let things out of my chest, to continue our conversation, that hasn’t ended yet. 

…..Just get off the phone with Eve, 25 mins international call, I think I was right when I come to her, asking for help. 

She knows me as the way nobody can understand. She doesn’t talk much, not emotional at all, but straight to the point and always have a right decision. 

She’s totally different from me I guess, Im such an emotional fish while she’s very strategic virgo. 

Normally, we dont talk much either, but when it comes something serious, listening to her is a good choice. She said “You need to quit your job, just focus on studying” “You think you should be fine, but actually, too much tension on your shoulder, that you dont even know” 

For a moment, I realised…oh, I dont even know that Im stress, with something physically effected. I work too hard. And sometimes, we need a break. 

Posted 3 days ago